Luna Lovegood and the New Coffee System
by Knight Thunder
Summary: !ON HOLD! What happens when Voldemort steals the coffee from the new coffee system at Hogwarts? Chaos, duh! Especially if Luna Lovegood leads the group to get it back... EPIC PARODY :P btw, its K-plus just in case, but its well enough for K
1. YOU BE DOOOOOOMED!

**A/N**: Couldn't... resist... writing...

**Warnings (**_**for this chapter)**_: Grapefruits. No, _not_ lemons. Grapefruits. Literally. Flying everywhere, so I suggest you bring a helmet. Made from steel. They offer the best protection.

**Also note**: You will find several '_Oh well!_'-s throughout the story. Yes they will most likely annoy you.

**Shocking contents (**_**for later chapters)**_: Luna may become smart! Yesh, truly shocking :0

It was a Thursday morning. No, Luna didn't like Thursdays. Luna hated Thursdays. Loathed them; Mondays too. _Oh well!_

She felt like drinking tea. However, she didn't understand why. She hated tea. _Oh well!_

Plus there was loads of homework! _Shit_loads! Even being a Ravenclaw, she found a bit too much.

Dumbledore stood up from behind the teachers' desk and cleared his throat loudly.  
"Good morning to all of you, Gryffindors, Hufflepuffs, Ravenclaws, and Slytherins alike. I would like you tell you" he raised his voice's volume a little "that from this day henceforth, there shall be a new coffee system!"  
_Silence_...

Dumbledore saw this had not caused as much excitement as he had hoped for. So he continued.

"Not just the system is new, but the coffee itself!" he beamed. "It gives your brain a boost so you shall not be yawning throughout class, of which I had received complaints from numerous teachers!"  
At this, Professor McGonagall coughed a little.

"Yet I shall ask of you," continued Dumbledore, "not to overdose, or it _can_ lead to disasters!"  
He gave them a warning look before he sat down.

Suddenly, at the back of the Great Hall tables appeared with hundreds of jugs on them. All filled to the brim with coffee.  
A huge bustle rang through amongst the students as they all scrambled up from their seats to try out the new coffee.

Luna wasn't sure if she should go as well. Maybe somebody would be nice enough to bring her some. But then, no one in her house was nice to her. _Oh well!_

Luna stood up herself to get some of that 'marvellous' coffee.  
There seemed to be a little commotion at the coffee tables.  
Then there was a sound of smashing glass.  
Then a weird noise.

"HAHAHA!" a voice cried.  
Then the students were going haywire.

Of course the confusion had spread across the whole hall by now. Even Professor Dumbledore was frowning, trying to figure out what was happening down there.

Suddenly an apple soared out from the crowd the Hogwarts learner citizens and smashed in the middle of the hall with a _PLOP_.

That was when chaos broke out.  
Luna just stood beside the table watching what the heck is going on.

Harry Potter leapt out from the swarm of students with an utterly crazed expression, looking a bit like that idiot guy, Fred, from YouTube. "I GOT IT!" he screamed, throwing a grapefruit into the air, and with that he darted out the doors of the Great Hall.

Everyone stared. Harry's friends stared. All the Gryffindors stared. All the Ravenclaws stared. All the Slytherins stared. All the Hufflepuffs stared. All of the the staff stared. Four house-elves popped up and they stared.  
Luna stared.

Then the rush towards the coffee continued.

Within three minutes another another grapefruit took off into the air.  
Luna hadn't moved in her position, she was carefully observing what was happening down there.

Some students, about thirty or so, moved out of the hall.  
Luna sat back down to eat. No point in standing, watching the havoc.

Suddenly a cow came crashing through the window. Followed by duck. Who's name was Bob.  
And then more grapefruits came soaring everywhere through-out the Hall.

GRAPEFRUITS

GRAPEFRUITS

GRAPEFRUITS

GRAPEFRUITS

GRAPEFRUITS

GRAPEFRUITS

So on.

Dumbledore stood up once more. Still frowning, of course. He cleared his throat loudly, "Calm down everybody, please. There is absolutely, um, nothing to worry about," he said the last words uncertainly. He looked over to the two animals lying on the ground and added, "They will soon be removed from the Hall."

Then he left the staff table, picked up the duck and hurried away.

Luna had a look of mild surprise, dreamily, on her face (like she usually did) and she continued having breakfast. She was having second thoughts about trying the new coffee now.

One of her classmates whacked her on the head with a baguette, quite unexpectedly. Luna looked at her questioningly as she squealed and ran out from the Great Hall.

And then, louder than the loudest of thunders... there was a farting noise. From the sky. Or the ceiling. Whichever you think sounds better. THEY WERE DOOMED.

The whole castle began shaking. The whole of Great Britain started shaking. Yes, the whole, even Northern Ireland. But only Northern Ireland; not the rest of Ireland – only Northern Ireland (why is it even called 'Northern'? Its only the North Eastern, the North Western part, which is still Northern, is a part of the Republic of Ireland, not Great Britain) is part of Great Britain.

"YOUU BE DOOOOOOOOOOMED!" came a shrieking voice.

"Ohh – mah – fah – kah – gah..." came Dumbledore's tremorish voice. (I _know_ 'tremorish' does not make sense, but I wanted to use it, so beat it!)

"IT'S HIM!" one of the younger student shouted. "You know that guy from the 'you know' knock-knock joke!" he explain to his friend, who looked a bit confused.

Luna nudged the first year. "It's He Who Must Not Be Named," she informed him. Luna did not seemed shocked about this fact, really. But then again; she _was_ rather odd after all.

A lot of people had an _OMG_ expression.

"WHERE BE DA COFFEE!" the shrieking voice again called.

"There!" a student shouted, pointing to the back of the Hall. It was one of the Weasleys. Luna recognized him. He was one of the funny ones.

A black haired girl slapped him. "You idiot! He can't know! He musn't!" The redhead hung his head, then suppressed his gloomy expression and beamed.

Dumbledore's stern voice filled the room. "Miss Johnson! That is not appropriate behaviour. Five points from Gryffindor!"

No one had noticed that all the coffee mysteriously disappeared. Well, almost everyone.

"Professor Dumbledore!" Luna shouted, unnaturally loud, not like her usual dreamy voice at all. "The coffee is gone!"

Dumbledore blinked three times until he seemed to realise what Luna had just said. "Well, someone has to get it back!"

Luna fastened her coat buttons and stood on the Ravenclaw table. "I will get it back!"

Professor McGonagall stood up from behind the staff table. "Surely you would like to take someone with you?" she asked, raising her eyebrows a little.

Luna went back to her vacant sounding voice. "If someone wants to come..."

Hermione Granger stood up. "You have my wand."

"And you have my Deluminator," Ronald Weasley said.

Harry Potter, still looking a bit baffled since the recent 'incident', said, "And my Invisibility Cloak."

"If that is your decision," said a voice belonging to someone who they'd have least expected, "Slytherin's with you."

**A/N**: No, I _couldn't_ resist putting in that LotR reference!  
And I think I blew away the surprise with that clue who the other person is . _Oh well!_ (lol)

And guess what! This is the longest chapter I've ever written for any of my stories! xD Over 1.2K words! :O


	2. Lil' Arguments

**A/N**: I... -sniff- ...didn't ... get... any... reviews! -SOB-  
Oh well, here's the next chapter.

**Warnings**: Someone hits his/her head... that can, defiantly, _not _mean anything good! .  
A lil' minor swearing, I mean seriously, a swear that basically every 6-year old uses nowadays.

* * *

"Malfoy, what the hell?!" shouted Harry.

"Hey, just because I am a jerk" ('foul, loathsome, evil little cockroach,' Hermione muttered) "does _not _mean that I'm a bad guy!" Malfoy retorted.

"Don't worry, Harry," Luna said in her vague voice. "He can come. Shall we go, Professor Dumbledore?"

"If you're ready, why certainly you may," replied Dumbledore, before he sat down onto the cow, which was lying beside the Hufflepuff table. Did I mention his name? He is Johnny. Johnny Depp. (**A/N**: -evil cackle-)

Luna grabbed Harry by the arm. "Let's go," she said, still dreamily. She started dragging him out from the Great Hall as he was hiccoughing.

Draco indicated to Hermione and Ron to the doors of the Great Hall. Hermione put on a poker-face and poked him hard in the arm as she walked by. "Ouch!"

Ron just shot a death-glare at him standing in front of him. So Malfoy followed, only to be tripped be him.

"I hate you..." he mumbled as he got up (**A/N**: I know, it is very OOC, but for god's sake!; this is a parody!) and followed and joined the other foursome, who were already outside the castle, in the school grounds.

"I wonder where we'll go...?" sighed Luna.

"Waaait-wait-wait-wait," Ron said. "Let's get this straight; you decided to go on this mission thingamajig without any idea what to do?"

"Uh-huh," Luna answered, not sounding like she found anything wrong with that.

"Maybe we could go somewhere with a portkey," Hermione confided.

"May I ask where?" Draco asked.

"For the first time in my life, I agree with Malfoy," Ron said dully.

Harry just stood a hiccoughed, staring blankly at the ground.  
"What the heck is wrong with Harry?" Ron added.

"I suppose it's just the after affects of the new coffee," Hermione told him stiffly.

"So where d'you suppose Voldemort would keep about two hundred litres of coffee?" asked Malfoy.

He said something wrong; this caused a wave of ideas.  
"A swimming pool!"  
"A massive jug?"  
"Inside a whale!"  
"Piled in small jugs a big room?"

"I KNOW WHERE!" Ron cried out. "In..."  
He took a long dramatic pause.

"_Charlie's Chocolate Factory_!"

"Right..." said Hermione with uncertainity. "I see you read Muggle children's fiction?"

Ron blushed.  
"No..."

"Yes, _sure_," Hermione smirked.

"Ahem."  
They were interrupted by Luna's voice.

"I think I am the leader of this mission, so let's get to it! We're going to the Wonka Chocolate Factory."

_Silence_...  
???

"I think I want to quit," Draco chimed up.  
Hermione slapped him.  
"What the-" //a loud beep echoed through the world// "Granger?! Whaddidy get that for?"

Luna giggled. There was a red handprint on Malfoy's cheek.

"Stop acting like a baby or I'll kick your pureblood butt!" she yelled.  
Not just Malfoy, but Ron too, recoiled a little.

"Ah, don't worry Won-Won, I love you, you shouldn't be afraid," Hermione told Ron with a smile.

Draco muttered something under his breath.

Hermione's eyes threateningly blazed. "What did you say?" she said softly, a fake smile on her lips.

Malfoy looked frightened.  
"Nothing," he said.

"BUT I HEARD IT!" she yelled.

"If you heard it then why did you ask 'what did you say', huh?"

"WHO CARES?"

"I do!"

"Well, uh, JUST SHUT UP."

"Like I'll do that," Draco smirked.

Hermione flipped her hair vividly. "FINE! If you don't want to shut your big mouth, then _apologize_!"

"For what?" asked Malfoy innocently.

"Oh, you know it very well – for calling me a 'frumpy nerd'!"

"So you want me to lie?" Draco droned.  
"Oh, THAT IS _IT_, MALFOY!" Hermione pulled out her wand in half a second, and within the other half she pointed it at him.

"Haha," Harry said a little drearily, "it's just like that when back at that time, haha, when, back then, haha, you punched him, hahaha!" He collapsed to the ground in a fit of giggles.

Ron eyed Harry cautiously, and looked to Hermione. "Is he alright?"

"I'm sure he is," she said, before turning her attention back to Malfoy, who whimpered a little.  
"You don't know how much I'd like to Crucio your ass right now," she said, her eyebrows 'raised with attitude, bro'.

Luna coughed loudly. "We are supposed be on a mission to get back the coffee, are we not?"  
She looked to Hermione. "If we get it back, I won't care, you can Crucio him all you want."  
(**A/N**: omg Luna sounds evil now! .)

"Fine," Hermione said sulkily.

"Let's go... west!" Luna said, dragging Harry up from the ground who was still giggling.

Hermione tripped. She hit her head into a log. Though, I've no idea how a log is in a plain... oh well- _she hit her head into a log_!  
"Oh, ah, hellooo...!" she said.

* * *

**A/N**: Dun dun dun DUUUUUUN!  
R&R Pweeeeeeeeeez!


	3. Wait what's this about?

**A/N**: I am starting to write this at 3 in the morning, most likely finished by 4, so don't blame me if this chapter sucks! ._.

**Warnings**: Someone gets hallucinations... of a certain person... and later maybe certain people, you get it, as in plurals-_whatever_! You get my point yah?

* * *

"Ah, helloooo... Ani!"  
Hermione was staring at something not visible to anyone also, in midair.

Ron stared.  
"So now not only Harry is insane, but Hermione too?"

Draco whispered to him, "You can't call Luna sane, either, can you?"  
Ron slapped him.

"For the love of god, stop -" //another loud beep echoed through the world// "-ing slapping me!"

Dun dun dun DUUUUUUN.

Actually, never mind that thing above.

Harry suddenly shouted, "WHERE IS MY CHICKIING SOUPPAAH?"

"Are you meaning 'chicken'?" asked Luna politely, stopping heaving Harry.

Harry looked at Luna with a serious expression and bulging eyes. "SOUPPAAH."

"Uh-huh," said Ron and Malfoy in unison. This was getting weirder and weirder. They seemed to be the only sane people; Luna wasn't any help, Hermione was imagining stuff, and Harry- well. He just turned...weird. Very weird. So weird that it creeped them out. A lot.

Hermione was having a conversation with the imagined person or thing or whatever.  
"Ooh, it glows... so... shiny! Yes, blue is a very nice colour, good choice, Anakin!"

Luna looked from Hermione to Ron. "Actually, I don't want to go to the Wonka Chocolate Factory."

Ron groaned. "Whyyyyy?" he whined. "There is _chocolate _there! LOADS OF CHOCOLATE!"

"Well, where else could be so much coffee stored?" Draco questioned.

Luna seemed to think for a bit.  
... "In a big Rubik's Cube!"

Ron nodded. "Right... where do Rubik's Cubes come from...? OI! HERMIONE! Where do Rubik's Cubes come from?!"

Hermione broke away from her hallucinational (**A/N**: yes, another non existing word xD) conversation, and looked to Ron, saying, "Oh. Hungary," before turned back the imagined persona and continuing, "Can you fight with it? I mean I never learnt sword-fighting but- oh well, it's not sword but it's like a sword kinda... can you show me some stuff?" she paused for an answer and then added, looking over to the group, "_Oh_, no, no, no! They're my friends, not on _them_!"

Ron tore his eyes from Hermione, a look of utter shock on his face. He looked to Luna.  
"Right, let's to Hungary then!"

Harry seemed to come back to himself a bit. "What- what? But what if there is a Hungarian Horntail we might meet or something?"

Draco looked at him. "Honestly, Potter. Hungarian Horntails would be very difficult to come by. And even if it wasn't, then, it isn't very likely we'd meet one, because either A, they live in the wild, or B, they live in a dragon reservation, and why would a big Rubik's Cube be in any of those places? It would most likely be in some place like the capital Budapest or some other big city like Szeged or D-"

Ron interrupted him. "Since when are you so good at geography of foreign countries, Malfoy?" he asked with suspicion. He put on a look that oddly looked like this smiley "O.o".

Draco smirked. "I am a Malfoy. Smart, well-educated-"

"Oh, stop it with your 'Weasleys-are-dumbasses' teasing thing talk 'cus it ain't working!" Ron shouted, but he didn't act like what he had said. "And anyways, if you were so smart, you'd by in Ravenclaw."

"Not if those 'smart' people there are like _her_," Malfoy looked pointed to Luna, who shot him a deathglare, who was being watched by a cow identical to Johnny Depp (the other cow, in the Great Hall) from the distance, who was being eyed by a farmer wondering if he should cut him down soon and eat him with his family, who was being glowered at by his wife ordering him to wash his underwear, who was being whined at by her kids asking for Oreos, who were doing looked at eagerly by their dog because they might give him some Oreos, who was being observed by the family's cat in case he tried to eat her, who was being observed by a nearby mouse in case she tried to eat him, et cetera, et cetera.

Hermione's voice suddenly called them. "Hey guys, want me to introduce you to Anakin? You know, Anakin Skywalker, he's a Chosen One too, but he's in Star Wars and, well" she lowered her voice to a whisper "he's very cute!" She giggled.

Draco slapped himself.

* * *

**A/N**: Gosh is 3:46 now, very tired... good bye... may the force be with you... because I dont have enough force left to stay awake. xD  
Knight Thunder out, bitches! (no I didn't mean that, I just wanted to quote that from 'A Very Potter Musical' lol)

Right, so, byeeee!!


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